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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27236293">I Will Never Be Dirt Free</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Sparrow Academy (Umbrella Academy), Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bad Writing, Comfort/Angst, Creepy The Handler (Umbrella Academy), Crying, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt Number Five | The Boy, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Bad At Tagging, Night Terrors, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Not Canon Compliant, Not me kinning five and projecting my trauma onto him, Number Five | The Boy Gets A Hug, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy Whump, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy in a Teenage Body, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Season/Series 02, Rape Aftermath, Sad Number Five | The Boy, Sexual Assault, Sibling Bonding, Soft Number Five | The Boy, Stressed Number Five | The Boy, Tags Are Fun, They/Them Pronouns for Klaus Hargreeves, To Be Continued, Trauma, Umbrella Academy - Freeform, Underage Rape/Non-con, Vomiting, What Have I Done, Whump, Why are there so many fucking tags on this I need to shut up</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 22:22:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,876</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27236293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>TRIGGER WARNING<br/>Just read the tags there's so many and they explain most of it </p><p>The Handler is a bitch™ and Five needs a hug, a break, or therapy<br/>Or<br/>The author kins five and needs to stop writing vent fics where they project their trauma onto five</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>173</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Will Never Be Dirt Free</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Post season 2, they ended the apocalypse and made it back to 2019, no sparrow academy, just whump</p><p> </p><p>Title from the song Dirty Night Clowns</p><p>CSA TW for the song<br/>https://youtu.be/3ewhQg5zvX4</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>November 19th 2019</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Five had been gone for 6 days, and the Hargreeves' were growing increasingly worried until..</p><p> </p><p>The house had been silent, minus Grace humming away in the kitchen, when they heard <em> screaming </em>, heard things being thrown and broken, heard cursing and sobbing, coming from Five's room. </p><p> </p><p>For a second relief washed over the family who had been worrying about him all week, Five's alive, before the pit in each of their stomachs opened back up. <em> He wasn't okay. </em></p><p> </p><p>Diego made it to his room first, stumbling into the room to find Five, my god he looked so small and helpless, huddled in the corner of his room, surrounded by thrown books, clothes, and a broken chair, shaking like a leaf.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes looked void of any emotion except for pure terror, dark bags were under his eyes that showed he hadn't slept in days. Four to be exact, but his siblings didn't know this.</p><p> </p><p>His hair was matted with dried blood, his hands, arms, face, and neck were covered with scrapes, cuts, and bruises, and his eyes were filled with.. <em> tears.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Five didn't cry.</p><p> </p><p>Five<b> did not </b>cry.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Five never cried.</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>None of the Hargreeves siblings had <b> <em>ever</em> </b> seen Five cry, at least not since he was 3 years old.</p><p> </p><p>Until now, because now hot tears were dribbling down his face, hiccuping sobs were bubbling up from his chest, and fear was painted across each of his features.</p><p> </p><p>Diego took a small step towards Five, only to be taken aback by the telltale flash and sparks of light blue indicating Five had just spacial jumped.</p><p> </p><p>A soft thud was heard against the bed behind him and he turned to see Five pulling his comforter over himself, sniffling quietly. He looked exhausted.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, Diego took a seat next to Five when the door creaked open, and if he did see the way Five nearly jumped out of his skin, thank god he didn't mention it.</p><p> </p><p>Vanya slipped into the room, worried eyes scanning over her brother's before widening at the sight of Five. </p><p> </p><p>"Fiv-" Vanya started, reaching a hand out to rest on her brother's shoulder. Nothing could have prepared either of them for the way he flinched and the gut wrenching sob that tore it's way from his throat.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually all 5, 6 counting Ben, of Five's siblings were in his room comforting their brother.</p><p> </p><p>Luther cleaned his wounds, apologizing softly each time his smallest brother tensed up or winced. No one had ever seen Luther be so kind to the eldest sibling.</p><p> </p><p>Vanya and Klaus held him like he'd disappear forever if they let go, mumbling quiet reassurances that he'd be okay, and for some reason Five believed them.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus ran their fingers through Five's hair, humming just loud enough for only him to hear. Vanya traced shapes into the palm of his hand, trying to ground him.</p><p> </p><p>Allison talked to him as she would Claire after a nightmare, trying to calm him down the best she could. Five stopped replying after his panic attack ended, settling on staring blankly, numbly, at the wall.</p><p> </p><p>He couldn't stop thinking of well,<em> everything, </em>and he felt like he would drown if he opened his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Diego handed Five a stack of clothing, a grey t-shirt, an oversized green hoodie, some plaid pajama pants, and some boxers. Five blinked to the bathroom to change before appearing a few inches above the bed, collapsing back onto the blankets with his siblings.</p><p> </p><p>Ben sat with Vanya and Klaus, where they were hugging Five, hoping just being there was enough comfort for his brother as he was unable to hug him or speak to him. </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, after Five drifted into a restless sleep, one by one his siblings left the room, they figured this was all so overwhelming and he most likely wanted to be alone for a while.</p><p> </p><p>First Luther, Allison, Diego, and then Vanya got up to leave but Five stopped her.</p><p> </p><p>"Can you guys stay?" He asked, voice clouded with sleep. Vanya looked back at Five's bed, her younger- <em> no,</em> older brother- was looking at her with teary and sleep filled eyes, and there seemed to be just enough room on the bed to curl up with Five and Klaus.</p><p> </p><p><em> Klaus, the</em> dumbass was holding Five protectively, blinking open their sleepy eyes every few moments. They had promised Five to protect him, and though their brother insisted he was fine and didn't need Klaus looking out for him, they still forced themselves to stay awake.</p><p> </p><p>"I just don't want to be alone." Five spoke again, his voice quiet now, like he was ashamed to admit he was scared.</p><p> </p><p>Vanya slipped into the bed with her siblings, pulling a blanket over herself, before pulling one over Five.</p><p> </p><p>His two siblings eventually drifted into sleep, Five's small hand clasped between theirs, his head resting on his sister's chest. He tried to match his breathing to the steady rise and fall of her chest.</p><p> </p><p>He tried to fight off sleep longer, because while Klaus had promised to stay awake, they couldn't keep their eyes open much longer, not that Five would be mad at them or anything.</p><p> </p><p>Five didn't blame them for falling asleep, yet he still felt uneasy, vulnerable, scared, at the thought of letting his eyes slip shut. If he went to sleep and no one was on the lookout, she could come back for him.</p><p> </p><p>Five finally found it in himself to sleep when beyond bleary eyes he notices a soft glow from Klaus' hands, and a faint blue silhouette sitting at the foot of the bed.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> 'thanks Ben'  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p> </p><p>Hours later, in the warm glow of the early morning sun, Five bolted upright. Sheets tangled around his limbs, clothes and hair stuck to his skin with sweat, and tears flooding his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>He had kept himself up for days to avoid the nightmares, and surrendering himself to sleep seemed to be proving itself harder than he had initially thought.</p><p> </p><p>He couldn't breathe.</p><p> </p><p>In</p><p>1</p><p>2</p><p>3</p><p>4</p><p> </p><p>Hold</p><p>1</p><p>2</p><p>3</p><p> </p><p>Out</p><p>1</p><p>2</p><p>3</p><p>4</p><p> </p><p>Steadying his breathing he relaxed himself back into his previous spot between Vanya and Klaus, forcing himself not to scream or teleport away when Klaus draped their arm across his small frame in their sleep.</p><p> </p><p>The small amount of calmness he had managed to bring himself melted away the moment he closed his eyes, he could feel every disgusting unwanted touch The Handler had left behind. His skin itched and burned where her hands had lingered just days before.</p><p> </p><p>He could feel her fingers creeping up his thigh, he could feel her hand slowly gliding down his chest, down his stomach, lower, the memory of the touch burned more and more.</p><p> </p><p>He could feel a hand cupping the side of his face gently before sharp nails were being dug into his cheek as her lips were pressed harshly against his.</p><p> </p><p>He could feel hands gripping tightly at his wrists, keeping him pinned down and reminding himself how <em> small </em> and <em> weak </em>he now was.</p><p> </p><p>His skin burned almost as much as tears burned the back of his eyelids.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus' arm, draped across his chest, began to burn. Fives breath began to come out in broken gasps as he shoved at his siblings arm.</p><p> </p><p>He felt so <em><strong> weak</strong>.</em></p><p> </p><p>He hated it, hated how people saw him as a kid, treated him like a kid, when he wasn't. No one saw anything but a fragile little boy.</p><p> </p><p>Five hated feeling small and helpless, and right now he felt that more than ever. He thought he would have been able to get used to being back in his teenage body, but he was shorter and frailer than he had once been, and had severely overestimated his ability to defend himself.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His teenage body. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>His eyes snapped open and nausea twisted itself in his gut as he processed more of the situation.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> His <strong>teenage</strong> body. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The Handler had never tried these things before Five had been put back into his 13 year old body, and Five wondered if that's part of what The Handler found so pleasurable about it, he looked like a little kid, he was small, frail, she had <em> power </em> over him, and <em><strong> he looked like a kid.</strong> </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She had found pleasure in using Five's prepubescent body. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Five had barely noticed his breathing had sped up, that he was sobbing, or that he was mumbling to himself until Klaus flicked on the bedside lamp.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey- Five I'm right here, <em> you're </em> right here. You're home, you're safe buddy." Klaus reassured him softly, looking at Five with wide kind eyes, they pulled their knees up to their chest, trying to make themself look as small and least intimidating as possible, as not to scare Five.</p><p> </p><p>Waiting for Five to calm himself, Klaus raked their eyes slowly over Five's body. Anger bubbling up in their chest at the bruises, cuts, and scratches littering his skin.</p><p> </p><p>After a moment or two, the bruises, cuts, and scratches that they had assumed were from a fight began to look more like hickeys, and marks from someone digging their nails and teeth into his skin.</p><p> </p><p>"Five did someone..." some of the marks looked like lipstick, a shade of lipstick they could remember a certain Commission member wearing. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>No.</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>"Did- did she.." They couldn't say it. The words got trapped in their throat. Such ugly, vile words. Tears began to fill their eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Five didn't have to answer. The sobs that he choked out said more than his words ever could.</p><p> </p><p>Five's hiccuping sobs awoke Vanya, who shifted in her sleep before reaching up to grasp Five's hand. </p><p> </p><p>Vayna hadn't meant to grab his wrist, hadn't even thought anything of it, until her hand closed around his wrist and he was <em> thrashing </em>against her hold. </p><p> </p><p>"Let go of me." He pleaded, yanking his wrist away. Eyes wild with fear and panic. Neither Vanya or Klaus had ever seen Five like this, but Klaus had seen it many times before, in Vietnam, in the rehab center, in the mental health ward.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus knew PTSD.</p><p> </p><p>Vanya's grip loosened immediately, eyes wide as Five stumbled out of bed, barely making it to his trash can before his stomach flipped once, twice, and he was vomiting. Sobbing as his stomach emptied itself.</p><p> </p><p>Waves of nausea washed over him like disgusting tital waves with each piercing memory of The Handler, and Klaus was rubbing his back, muttering quiet reassurances.</p><p> </p><p>Eventually Five slumped against Klaus, sobbing violently, burying his face into their shirt. Tears soaking through as ugly sobs forced their way from his chest. </p><p> </p><p>After ten minutes or so Five's breathing evened out, his eyes had fluttered shut and he sighed contently, the wrinkles in his brow smoothing out as he finally found a moment of peace, deep in sleep.</p><p> </p><p>Klaus looked at Vanya, smiling sadly before climbing back into the bed, Five in their arms. </p><p> </p><p>The smaller brother wrapped an arm around each sibling, muttering something neither of them heard, before they drifted off too.</p><p> </p><p>Five would never admit it had been <em>'i love you guys.'</em> That he had mumbled</p><p> </p><p>Vanya and Klaus made an agreement that they would sleep in today, Five needed it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I cannot believe I finally wrote something, let alone this mess. Idk comment or kudos ig or lmk what else you'd like me to write I need to get writing</p></blockquote></div></div>
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